Want some light beach reading that'll keep you laughing? Buy an autographed copy of my book, "My Wife & Times." A mere $15, postpaid.

New Fear 'o Flying

The best laid plans for planes...

I know that airline security is a serious issue. I just wish it had been taken more seriously in the past. Since it wasn't taken seriously in the past, who am I to disagree? In my comprehensive research for an upcoming trip, I've uncovered:


1) ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT THREE DAYS BEFORE YOUR FLIGHT. This ensures adequate time to get through the many new security measures. Do not bring food or drink, as neither are allowed in the airport. The good news: you're gonna lose weight so the airplane seats will seem bigger.

2) CLOTHING NOT OPTIONAL. By the time you get to the airport, the only thing you'll be allowed to take on an airplane is your underwear. In a rare concession to decency, you won't have to carry it, you'll actually be allowed to wear it.

But nothing else. No shoes, of course. Even socks have been deemed dangerous as you could slip and fall in the airport and want to sue.

Plan ahead and buy fashionable, opaque undergarments. While vertical stripes may be slimming, think twice about wearing them. During these trying times you might be confused for a convict and immediately whisked away, bereft of civil rights.

Thongs don't really count as underwear and never have. Don't even try it.

New boxers will be available for sale at all airport shops as authorities understand that most men won't be wearing clean, much less new ones, and no one wants to see them in briefs, or less. If you are unable or unwilling to purchase new boxers, disposable ones will be given to you: http://tinyurl.com/e55du - and remember, you can always make your own underwear for free using two or three Fed Ex Tyvek envelopes and some duct tape. Unfortunately, Tyvek envelopes and duct tape are not allowed on the plane, as they might be used to pack and mail something.

Bins will be available at the airport for anyone foolish or forgetful enough to arrive clothed. You may donate your garments to the Goodwill (the Salvation Army was nixed when officials feared it might be too militaristic). Arriving passengers are also allowed to scavenge through the clothing bins to find something to wear outside of the airport.

The upside—just think how cool you're be on those hot planes, endlessly taxiing around the runway, unable or unwilling to turn their air conditioning on until they're in the air. And everywhere you land—new clothes!

4) LUGGAGE IS OFF-LIMITS. Yes, it's possible to x-ray checked baggage, but the Department of Homeland Security (DOHS) deemed it "Too expensive." Oh.

The cheap solution—no luggage is allowed on any flight. While government officials admit that this may be an inconvenience for some unpatriotic people, on the plus side they remind passengers how much easier it will be to get through the airport without schlepping all that weighty baggage. A new marketing campaign by DOHS, featuring one of the Baldwin brothers (the skinny dumb one whose name no one can ever remember) in his underwear, will cheerfully remind travelers how much time they'll save by not having to pack or coordinate their accessories.

Retailers applaud the action and launch a massive advertising offensive offering a full 10% off on clothing or liquids to anyone with an airline ticket.

Or, you can just prepare in advance by mailing your bags to your destination, as even by using the US Post Office, the chances of your bags arriving are 96.2% greater than they ever were with checking them at the airport.

Fed Ex has set up shipping counters at all major airports for those who demand their own clothes at their destination. "Fed Ex your luggage and worries away!" is their new slogan. The added plus is that your bags arrive directly at your hotel, before you do.

Fed Ex is rumored to have a new "Personal Flight Capsule" concept ready to roll so that, in a DOHS freight-related loophole, you are welcomed into a luxurious packing crate where you can travel with bottles of water and your luggage again. You can even be delivered from door to door—all overnight, of course.

5) LIQUID IS VERBOTEN. This is problematic given that the human body is 98% water. The head of DOHS was overheard suggesting that passengers should all be freeze-dried before each flight. Despite the considerable saving in space and fuel and the frustrating inability to bring people to life by adding water, the plan was only scrapped because it was considered "too expensive." In a cheaper plan, the DOHS recommends you use a restroom before the flight, especially since onboard bathrooms have been boarded up because they, too, deal with liquids and create private spaces where people might possibly do personal things not approved by government agencies.

6) NEXT STOP, GRAND CENTRAL STATION. Of course, the inevitable conclusion of all this is that the DOHS will decide that the only cheap way to insure that passengers are not harmed on airplanes is to decree that from this day hence, passengers will not be allowed on airplanes. If you arrive an at airport, you'll be bussed to a train station, despite the fact that the DOHS has no clear security plans and little money for train travel. But they don't tend to think that far in advance. Once they figure it out my advice is: "buy good walking shoes."

7) SMILE, DARN YA, SMILE! That's right. Mr. or Ms. Crabby Pants are going to find themselves sitting the slammer (sans pants, of course). This even applies to infants. There's just no room for bad temper and ill will in these trying times. Smile, darn you, smile! If you can't smile for yourself, one will be provided for you by DOHS and the pharmaceutical industry (interestingly, not too expensive).

REMEMBER: The real threat is being annoyed to death.

Worrying will kill you. Don't let it happen to you—Be Happy!


Read about my latest movie role (you read that right), here!


Dr. Fred Mednick is out to make the world a better (smarter, safer, more peaceful, happier) place through education. His non-profit "Teachers Without Borders" is helping to train teachers around the world.

He's been nominated for a "Volvo 4 Life Awards" and you can help this great educational cause simply by voting for Teachers Without Border. Just go here, http://tinyurl.com/m9c4k , Click on the check box next to "Fred Mednick" and vote for him (click on his name to learn more about Teachers Without Borders).


Want to chat with me online? Go to www.SchmoozeLetter.com and look for the box on the top left of the page. It'll say "IM Me" and have a space for you to type. When you do, I get your Instant Message on my computer (if I'm at my computer).

This is an interesting free service from a www.meebo.com a site that lets you IM with anyone on AOL/ICQ, YAHOO, MSN, or GMAIL/JABBER without having any special software. Your web browser becomes your Instant Messenger for all four systems at once. And now people can IM you without either of you having special software. It's a useful way to hear from site visitors in real time, as well as a tool you can use to work with customers who don't have instant messenger software.

Go to www.meebome.com and fill out the form, then drop the resulting HTML into your web site and voila, instant ability for your site visitors to chat with you in real time.


http://www.thehcf.org/challenge.html will donate $100 in your name to a carbon offset organization to help reduce global warming. All you have to do is read six web pages. That's all. That's worth $100!

If you want to help global warming direct, try http://www.terrapass.com which "offsets your carbon footprint" by investing in renewable energy.


http://www.heifer.org/ You can change lives and bring hope and possibility to the people who need it most by giving the gift of an animal to a needy family. Heifer has helped more than five million families become self-reliant. Gifts start at $20 for chicks. It's a great gift for the person who has everything, for the person who doesn't. http://www.heifer.org/ or call them at 1-800-422-0474.

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P. S.

My wife says if I want a real vacation away from computers and modern life I should stay home, turn off the computer and sleep in the yard under the stars with the raccoons, skunks and native American marsupials, the possums.

In return, I suggested I just turn off the circuit breakers to the entire house so we can both have a vacation from the 21st century. In a rare of turn of events, she has been forced to spend time coming up with a snappy reply, which you can read here:

"I'm not answering this question. My time is more valuable than that."



Like the stories? Buy the book!

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The SchoomozeLetter is ©1998-2006, Daniel Will-Harris, all rights reserved. If you'd like to use any article on the web or in print, please ask for permission. If you're an agent or publisher looking to publish these pieces, just drop me a note.