Santa Sans Suit (or How I Gave Santa The Shirt Off My Back)

Twas a night very much like this
in a town very much like your own.
When a fellow we all know as Kris
Should be sitting on some velvet throne.

But Kringle's too busy this time of year,
to stand ringing bells or sit spreading cheer,
so guys like me with goodwill towards tots,
don Santa suits, so hot we could plotz.

I got in this biz, one year--long ago
When a nice lady said, "Hey, regular Joe"
I noticed you shake like a bowl full of jelly
We need you to stand in for Santa's soft belly.

I took no offense, well, OK, just a little
I said, "maybe yes," but was quite noncommittal.
Then she hit me with this, "Listen here,
Without you there won't be a Santa this year."

Not being an ogre I had to accept
But I worried at Santa I'd be quite inept
So I studied real hard till I felt fully prepped
And into the suit I silently crept.

But this year was different--no red did I see
No white fur or black boots or beard there for me
No one had thought it, no one had brought it
As a wanna-be Santa I was quite distraught, it
could all be for naught it, was sucking quite bad to be me.

Then from the Xerox there arose such a clatter
I looked up from my plight to see what was the matter,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear:
a guy with a white beard, standing right here.

I saw the light (from the copy machine),
As it lit up his face like you've always seen
His cheeks were so rosy, his smile was so bright
That he could play Santa, it just felt so right.

I asked him, he smiled and firmly said "no,
I'm much, much too busy, I've somewhere to go"
I pleaded and nagged, I looked like I'd weep
I acted so hard, you might call me "Streep."

He sighed, then relented, got into the part
And soon he presented a beautiful heart
He said, "I played Santa in old Bethlehem,"
And I believed him, this guy was a gem.

I gave him my sweater with reindeer all over
It went on, inspiring a story of Rover
The dog made some crimes and then misdemeanors
on his suit, which then had to go to the cleaners.

The Elf Cleaners had claimed it had raised such a reek
They wouldn't be finished till maybe next week.
Mrs. Claus never known to be much of a fretter
Said, "It's better, my dear, to wear this nice sweater."

Then he let loose, with a huge "ho, ho, ho!"
Which made me produce a "woah, baby, woah!"
The room just fell silent, the kids were all mute
And I was concerned they were missing the suit

But they let out a cheer like they'd just seen a friend
And I knew my career here had come to an end.
"Hey Pablo, Maria, and Bobby and Ann,"
He knew all their names, was it part of some plan?

They sat in his lap and they talked in his ear
To them he was Santa, yes that much was clear.
Not one toddler cried, not one pre-schooler screamed
The parents all eyed him like something they'd dreamed.

They all were enthralled, but then cookies called
As Santa wished everyone well.
They toddled and crawled to cider (so-called)
With a warm feeling now of Noel.

"I was so smart to find him," I thought to myself
If I was just shorter I could be elf!
Before I could thank him he just disappeared
For someone so jolly it seemed kind of weird.

I went outside to find him, and through the thick fog
The sight that I saw left me simply agog.
First he faded away, then I heard a sleigh's bells ring
And way up in the sky I saw, well, yes, something...

"It simply can't be," I thought with a sigh
As my inner-kid said, "Kid, you cannot deny
That it's red and it's flashing up there in the sky."
So I smiled and I waved him a happy "goodbye."

First here, then gone, then on the ascent.
Believe it or don't, that's just how it went.
That's my tale, I don't mean to deceive
It's what I saw, and what I believe.


Read about my latest movie role (you read that right), here!

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I don't mean to brag, but I'm going to anyway. I designed a wristwatch that is now sold by the Museum of Modern Art in New York. The MoMA site describes it like this: "Truly unique in its display of time, the minutes and hours fade in and out as time passes . . . The only analog watch to read in a digital manner . . . " You can see it, and buy it at MoMA, for a mere $80, here in orange (shown first) OR BLACK (choose it from the drop down menu).

See all the watches I designed here.

If you want a screensaver version of this or my other watch designs, go to http://www.elementoftime.com

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http://www.Binoculite.com Looking for a unique and useful holiday gift for people who love the sporting events, the theater, bird-watching or just the great outdoors? Binoculites are lightweight but powerful hands-free binocular glasses. You wear them like glasses but they work like binoculars, bringing everything closer. Since you don't have to hold them, your arms don't get tired, the view doesn't get shaky, and you can wear them comfortably for hours. Binoculites are precision-made in Germany and available exclusively in the US at http://www.Binoculite.com (a site I designed).

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http://www.heifer.org/ You can change lives and bring hope and possibility to the people who need it most by giving the gift of an animal to a needy family. Heifer has helped more than five million families become self-reliant. Gifts start at $20 for chicks. It's a great gift for the person who has everything, for the person who doesn't. http://www.heifer.org/ or call them at 1-800-422-0474.

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http://www.afrtrust.org Many of the men and women serving our country are facing personal and financial hardships because military budgets seem to be lacking in certain areas. The large activation of Reserve and National Guard personnel means even more Americans and their families are in need. The non-profit Armed Forces Relief Trust lets you help individuals in the military and their families.

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One Final Word




Like the stories? Buy the book!

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The SchoomozeLetter is ©1998-2005, Daniel Will-Harris, all rights reserved. If you'd like to use any article on the web or in print, please ask for permission. If you're an agent or publisher looking to publish these pieces, just drop me a note.